Our Unique Canadian Identity
by Dave Foley (a Canadian)
from Mad TV
A monologue told to an American audience on American network television.

     I'm Dave Foley and I just wanted to talk to you, not just as a middle-rung celebrity, but also as a Canadian who has recently moved to your country. Now, I've been surprised to find how little Americans seem to know about Canada. Granted, there are many similarities between our two nations, but there are also many subtle differences that give us our unique Canadian identity.
     For example: in Canada, everyone hates Barbra Streisand, but here she seems to be quite popular.
     And there are other differences too. We don't have States we have Provinces; we use the metric system. Canadians and Americans both love football, but in Canada the game is played slightly differently. The field is a different size for one thing. The CFL field is seventeen miles long and six feet wide. So understandably, games are a little longer. In fact, the 1949 Grey Cup game is still in progress!
     Many Americans believe that our national anthem is "Oh, Canada", simply because we enjoy singing it before hockey games. But in fact our national anthem is "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace.
     Our systems of government differ somewhat in that America is a republic with a president, a congress and a senate. In Canada, we are ruled by a small boy with supernatural powers ... of whom we are all very fond.
     Now in the U.S. when a mommy and daddy love each other, they perform bipolar sexual intercourse and make a baby. Canadians, however, are a breed of hermaphrodites who reproduce by means of autoinsemination, thus eliminating the need for sex. This also explains why we don't really have a film industry.
     And of course, how can we discuss Canada without discussing the weather? Yes, it is cold in Canada. It is very, very cold - are ya happy now? Yes, the average year-round temperature is 275 degrees below zero - but that is Celsius. Now can we talk about something else?
     Like, for example, the fact that our atmosphere is pure sulphur dioxide, which is of course incapable of sustaining life - life as you know it. Or the fact that we only have gravity for six hours out of each day, and spend the rest of our time desperately clinging to trees to avoid being spun into the endless abyss of space.
     Yes, all this is true ... but at least we have universal health care.

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