It all started on a fine spring morning in Vancouver, British Columbia. (I'm making up the part about a fine spring morning - I have no idea what kind of day it was. In fact, since it was in Vancouver, it was probably raining. I don't actually think it takes away from the story, though, to say it was a fine spring day, so let's leave it at that. OK?) It was 1970 and the world was at war. OK, it was just the U.S. and Vietnam, but the U.S. think they are the world (recall the song from 1985 - "We Are The World"), so you get the idea.
On this day was born a fat little boy. His parents (StickMom and StickDad) decided to name him StickBoy. He was nonplussed. Or at least, he would have been had he had that capability. As it was, he was a newborn who couldn't even speak, let alone be nonplussed. (Being nonplussed takes a lot more effort than it might at first seem.)
StickBoy's parents lived in a little house in Vancouver so, having nowhere else to go, StickBoy moved in with them, too. A little over a year later, StickBoy's parents decided they would like to move to the 'burbs. To a little itty bitty town called Port Coquitlam. StickBoy went along too because his parents put all his stuff in boxes and took it with them.
StickBoy grew up happy and eventually attended his first day of school. Kindergarten. He was scared stickless, but the teacher was cool and made him feel OK. He got to do fingerpainting and playing with trucks and stuff. It was cool! It was 1975, so he also got to wear really ugly clothes - sort of like the stuff that seems to be back in style now. StickBoy refuses to go with the current fashions because he was scarred as a child.
In Grade One the teacher (who was actually a witch in her off-hours) decided that StickBoy was extremely really pretty smart and should actually be in Grade Two. Recall how freaked out StickBoy was in Kindergarten ... a year later the witch-teacher is trying to separate him from his friends again. Forget it. StickBoy declines the promotion and regrets it for the rest of his life. By Grade Seven, StickBoy had managed to catch up with a couple of the people from that Grade Two class, but that was because they were excessively stupid.
Grade Eight was the beginning of Junior High School for StickBoy. He found it quite boring and skipped a lot of classes. He was almost suspended for doing so. He laughed gleefully at the irony of such a punishment. He eventually did get suspended, however, for punching a guy in the library. (I understand that of all the places to get punched, in the library is the most painful.) StickBoy, as a rule, is not a violent person. But that little shit had it coming!
Grade Eleven introduced StickBoy to Senior High School, which sucked just as much as Junior High School, except it was easier to skip classes. He also found the teachers to be more lenient. He had more fun not doing his schoolwork. StickBoy won an honour plaque for work in one of his classes. He is so unproud of it, he keeps it at the bottom of a drawer. (Well, at least he keeps it.)
He has been working fairly independently since graduation in 1988 and now has hair down to his bum. He started Rockin' In London as a simple little mail-order company in 1992 and now has a second branch in the United States. He has been working on a biography of singer Lee Aaron since January 1996, and moved back to Vancouver in March 1996.
He likes music (with over 1000 records and more than 500 CDs) and movies. He likes to veg out in front of the TV and do nothing. That's why it's taking so goddamn long to write that Lee Aaron biography! From simple observation, it's clear that he is slowly going insane, since he is actually writing this biography. He just didn't want to call it an autobiography, because then he would have to use "I" throughout, and that's really boring.
StickBoy lives in a grungy little basement with his cats, StickCat and MightyCat (he's adopted). He has no friends but an annoying number of people who phone him constantly and want to do things with him. He would be perfectly happy with a few million dollars and a big strawberry milkshake. This biography was not his idea. But everything else in the world was.
Please send any suggestions, comments or criticisms to its creator, StickBoy
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