Hey, I Didn't Say It!
Page 4

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... - Carl Zwanzig

On the bus today, I met the Queen of L.A. At least she said she was, and who am I to say? She was sixty-five and full of life; she had purple painted cheeks and glitter on her eyes. - Johnette Napolitano / Concrete Blonde, from "Still In Hollywood"

They have these runway shows and then they have a commentator going, "A return to glamour this season. A pretty face is your best asset this season." As opposed to last season, when ugly girls had a free ride.... When back fat was all the rage. - Janeane Garofalo

Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real. - Neils Bohr

When everything feels like the movies ... ya bleed just to know you're alive. - Goo Goo Dolls, from "Iris"

I couldn't wait to get a job; I couldn't wait to get out. I couldn't wait to wear a bra; I couldn't wait to take it off. I couldn't wait to get a man ... I wish I'd waited. - Lizzie Avondet / Piss Factory, from "Waiting"

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest! - "Linus Van Pelt", from A Charlie Brown Christmas

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F.P. Jones

Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. - anonymous

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. - anonymous

If you go to the zoo, always take somethin' to feed the animals - even if the signs say "Do Not Feed Animals". It wasn't the animals that put them signs up. - Forrest Gump (as written by Winston Groom)

God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. - anonymous

I'd rather go nowhere than not know where it's at. - Sebastian Bach / Skid Row, from "Riot Act"

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. - Fred Brooks

I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life. - James Barrie

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - anonymous

Wer zuletzt lacht, lacht am besten. (He who laughs last laughs best.) - anonymous

He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. - anonymous

Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious. - Brendan Gill

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz, from Anger In The Sky

Was she askin' for it? Was she askin' nice? If she was askin' for it, did she ask you twice? - Courtney Love / Hole, from "Asking For It"

Hindsight is an exact science. - anonymous

Take most people, they're crazy about cars. I'd rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. - Holden Caulfield (as written by J.D. Salinger), from Catcher In The Rye

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W.C. Fields

The first rabbit I ever shot was a duck and I killed it with a stick. - Uncle Huck

Everyone's a little weird these days - it's normal. - "Wren" (Susan Berman), from Smithereens

The cards ain't worth a damn if you don't lay 'em down. - Grateful Dead, from "Truckin'"

How can a man die with sage in his garden? - anonymous

Ever sit and watch ants? Look at this one. He's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's running. And if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He doesn't let anything stop him. I just can't identify with that kind of work ethic. - Calvin (as written by Bill Watterson), from Calvin And Hobbes

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - Ashleigh Brilliant

I got a rock. - "Charlie Brown" (Peter Robbins), from It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

O Lord, please send someone else to do it. - Moses to God when told to go to Egypt and free his people from slavery (Exodus 4:13)

I like the word "indolence". It makes my laziness seem classy. - Bern Williams

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - Charlie McCarthy

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - anonymous

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - Ashleigh Brilliant

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. - Mark Twain

I am a wild party. - Kim Mitchell

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein

Be like a postage stamp - stick to one thing until you get there. - Josh Billings

If at first you don't succeed, give up; no use being a damn fool. - anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - anonymous

You may be an idiot, but try not to be stupid. - Forrest Gump (as written by Winston Groom)

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. - Pope John Paul I

I never liked a man I didn't meet. - "Dorothy Parker" (Jennifer Jason Leigh), from Mrs. Parker And The Vicious Circle

I'm a martyr to a cause but I've forgotten what it was. - Lisa Marr / cub, from "Freaky"

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. - Calvin (as written by Bill Watterson), from Calvin And Hobbes

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. - Lin Yutang

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Calvin (as written by Bill Watterson), from Calvin And Hobbes

If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. - Zippy the Pinhead

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. - anonymous

My little lady goes "Ronnie baby, you got a big penis." I says "Baby don't tell me, tell your friends!" - Ronnie Edwards

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. - anonymous

In matters of conscience, the law of majority has not place. - Mohandas Gandhi

Well we' got no class; and we' got no principles; and we' got no innocence; we can't even think of a word that rhymes! - Alice Cooper, from "School's Out"

Nothing quite like paranoia. There's no stopping paranoia. When you're gripped with paranoia. Nothing rhymes with paranoia! - Barstool Prophets, from "Paranoia"

The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes. - Mark Twain

Anatomy is something we all have but looks better on girls. - anonymous

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. - Herb Caen

Things are more like they used to be than they are now. - anonymous

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. - Gerald Ford

The more things change the more they stay the same. - anonymous

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. - Paul Harvey

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. - anonymous

The more things change the more they suck. - "Butt-head" (Mike Judge), from Beavis & Butt-head

The only difference that I see is you are exactly the same as you used to be. - Jakob Dylan / Wallflowers, from "Difference"

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