Hey, I Didn't Say It!
Page 8

There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people. - Muhammad Ali, on retiring

There are alternatives to fighting. - "Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi" (Sir Alec Guiness), from Star Wars

The first man who picks up a gun is the man who has run out of ideas. - H.G. Wells

Kevin Smith on first viewing Degrassi Junior High (from the Canadian edition of TV Guide, January 29):
I marveled at the wonders of performances so wooden they made the Ed Wood oeuvre seem Streep-like in comparison (and I know from wooden performances, my Canadian friends: I've worked with Ben Affleck).

If you see a line, go stand in it. Probably can't hurt nothin'. - Forrest Gump (as written by Winston Groom)

If you would learn what God thinks about money, you have only to look at those to whom He has given it. - anonymous

Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them. - Dorothy Parker, from A Telephone Call

I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. - Dorothy Parker

BRUCE: I didn't see you at the [cancer benefit] show last night.
LARRY: No.
BRUCE: What are you, pro-cancer?

I hope it's a sunny day tomorrow; I'm gonna go downtown and do lots of nice things. - Leona McKay

I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes a woman think she's got nothing. - "Jeremy Goodwin" (Joshua Malina), from Sports Night

We're going to the Alanis Morissette concert, who to the untrained ear might sound like a whining, adolescent, twenty-one year old millionaire. But luckily I had Paige to explain her to me: her words; her pain; her rage. I can't wait. - "Spence Kovac" (Jeremy Piven), from Ellen

Emergency Phone And Crisis Counselling - sign by a telephone on the Golden Gate Bridge

If the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, what colour is the fence? - Zen koan

Never be afraid to try something. Remember, it was amateurs who built the Ark and professionals who built the Titanic. - anonymous

I don't condone wife-beating, but I understand it. - Sam Kinison

Passionate esoteric music to wreck a house to. - Henry Rollins, describing his band's sound

Some people say I'm obnoxious and lazy; I'm uneducated; my opinion means nuts. But I know, I'm a real cool dancer. - John Cougar, from "Crumblin' Down"

It's not summer if your tongue isn't purple. - Calvin (as written by Bill Watterson), from Calvin And Hobbes

There's no such thing as "too late". That's why they invented death. - "Charles Gordon" (Walter Matthau), from Out To Sea

Hazards are one of the main causes of accidents. - U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration, from Safety With Beef Cattle

Death is a health crisis. - "Agent Dana Scully" (Gillian Anderson), from The X-Files

When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I wish I could remember what I said. - Todd Snider, from "I Spoke As A Child"

Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks. - "Forrest Gump" (Tom Hanks), from Forrest Gump

I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine. - Prince, from "Darling Nikki"; the line that prompted Tipper Gore to create the PMRC

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. - Lily Tomlin

The only way to reform some people is to chloroform them. - Thomas C. Haliburton

On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? - Meat Loaf, from "You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)"

Life was easier when I didn't have one. - Pell Emanuelsson

Hating a singular person ... it's really not worth your while. - Rollins, from "Hating Someone's Guts - Pt.1"

Religion is the smile on a dog. - Edie Brickell / New Bohemians, from "What I Am"

I ... hate Edie Brickell. - Rollins, from "Hating Someone's Guts - Pt. 1"

I'm not like other guys. - Michael Jackson, from the "Thriller" video

If everything is under control, you're going too slow. - Mario Andretti

There is more to life than increasing its speed. - Mahatma Gandhi

If you said jump in the river I would because it would probably be a good idea. - Sinéad O'Connor, from "Jump In The River"

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. - Cato the Elder

My toy fell in the food and I ripped my hat. - Adam Vivier (metaphor for life?)

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. - Calvin (as written by Bill Watterson), from Calvin And Hobbes

This year I'm really gonna kick that football. - "Charlie Brown" (Peter Robbins), from It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Why make your fingers wiggle if you already know what the notes are? - Frank Zappa, on why he doesn't play guitar anymore (circa 1991)

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - anonymous

There was a silence with things going on in it. - Dorothy Parker, from Here We Are

When you're pushed, killin's as easy as breathin'. - John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone), from Rambo

¿Cómo frijoles? (How have you bean?) - anonymous

I lied when I smiled. - "Dorothy Parker" (Jennifer Jason Leigh), from Mrs. Parker And The Vicious Circle

The sun in your eyes makes some of the lies worth believing. - Alan Parsons Project, from "Eye In The Sky"

They had every stereotype on the bus.... Why not just go the whole nine and have, like, Eskimo with a harpoon sitting back there ... Indian, full headdress ... shifty-eyed gangster, pin-stripe suit, fingering a violin case. Why not? - Janeane Garofalo, on Speed

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who pissed me off. - anonymous

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I'll be kissing tomorrow. - anonymous

The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say. - Pink Floyd, from "Time"

The majority of those who put together collections of verses or epigrams resemble those who eat cherries or oysters; they begin by choosing the best and end by eating everything. - Sébastien Chamfort

Sooner or later we all quote our mothers. - Bern Williams

My God, you people are all, well, I'm upset and I can't think of a mean word right now, but that's what you are. - "Willow Rosenberg" (Alyson Hannigan), from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray. - Lisa / Prince And The Revolution, from "1999"

You're not funny. - "Veronica Sawyer" (Winona Ryder), from Heathers

Oh well, whatever, never mind. - Kurt Cobain / Nirvana, from "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

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